Diablo and a half: Demon stew
by Captain Skywolf
Summary: Find out about Diablo's good cooking and how he went evil and began to terrorize the world!


**slapstick warning**  
  
Here goes.  
  
  
  
Diablo-and-a-half: Demon stew  
  
  
  
LIVE FROM TRSITRAM!  
  
The most famous cooking program on Sanctuary T.V: Diablo's most delicious.  
  
Diablo grins devilishly, then coughs politely, trying to hide his huge teeth with his left arm. His gigantic claws negate his attempt to not look too fiendish...  
  
He thinks to himself. A bit is ok, but not to much.. remeber what the director said.. Oops, my claws are showing again! Ai, we're on!  
  
Quicky he hides his claws and stares into the camera with a smile... Or something that should look like it.  
  
Welcome food fanatics, I am your host Diablo.  
  
He turns his head and, accidentally breaths out a small puff of flame, charring a wall and knocks over a camera with one of his tremendous horns. After the dust clears he resumes.  
  
"Ahem. *cough*. Today's guest is Keyla, the well known sorceress from the sorcery magazine beyond sanctuary. She will tell us how to make..."  
  
Diablo shivers.  
  
...Demon stew! ...Okay, let us begin. First, we need a heavilly armoured stew, preferably nuclear radiation proof. Remember, what we are about to do here should not be done at home. I would never want any of you dear people to get hurt.  
  
Diablo grins way to widely and Keyla punches him in the gut without anyone noticing.  
  
Stay on subject, we only got 30 minutes on air.  
  
In the background, a huge metallic cylinder resembeling a nuclear fission reactor is wheeled onto the set... Keyla turns to the camera, but not before pushing Diablo's fierce snout out of the picture.  
  
No more prepertations have to be taken, now it is time to start cooking! She says with a sweet voice.  
  
Diablo huffs and gruffs, wanting to get back into the spotlight again. It is addictive to be famous...  
  
We begin by skinning these 6 blunderbore legs, they form the base of our demon stew. Make sure that you remove all the skins by using static field in the right places...  
  
Keyla charges up a static field and magically removes the skins.  
  
Now, we need to add taste and create a nice crispy coating and a soft center. For the crispy coating we first cover the skinned legs in a sauce made of 2 litres of nightlord blood and 4 pounds of cubed bloodclan hoofs. For the taste, sprinkle oblivion night extract over the previously sauced blunderbore leggs.  
  
Diablo is horrified by the sheer amount of his fellow deamons that he sees passing by. If this goes on I might faint... he thinks...  
  
Keyla continues with the preperation of the legs and in the meantime speaks about good, evil, astroloy, the Zann esu clan and ofcourse her deamon stew, getting more fanatic as time passes...  
  
And to put an end to evil and multinational corporations like Zakarum-soft we need the flesh and blood of the king of deamons, DIABLO HIMSELF!!!  
  
Diablo squeels, runs away and hides in a corner. He is curled up into a shivering and ratteling ball of red skin and horns with two big scary eyes peering between the claws of his two huge arms...  
  
Ehm... that was not in the contract! And besides, I taste horrible!  
  
Sorry, I got carried away. I meant to say: We need to add mephisto's remains.  
  
Ok.. carry on. Diabo regains his develish composure and grins evilly at his fans behind the camera crews.  
  
Keyla injects Mephisto's remains into the blunderbore legs and puts them all on a huge plate.  
  
Ok Diablo, these must be put into the stew and fried at 120.000 Kilo Watts for 20 seconds.  
  
Diablo uses his telekinetic abilities to put the plate into the nuclear radiation proof stew.  
  
Why didn't I ever think of that ealier?  
  
Diablo closes the door and gives the thumbs up signal. Everybody scrambles behind the stages, the camera crew puts on welding masks and Keyla activates her mana shield. With a blinding of flash of light Diablo unleashes a stream of superheated electrically charged plasma on the stew. In no time half the studio is cleared away. After twenty long seconds the massive onslaught finally ends.  
  
A cameraman rieses from the charred, smoldering remains in the foreground.  
  
Everything that has survived looks pitch black and is smoking, except for Keyla, who had a mana shield...  
  
  
  
The director yells insanely at Diablo for burning down his studio.  
  
Ok ok.. Think.. think.. THINK!!! Ok.. I want new cameras in five minutes! Move move move! In the meantime Diablo, you are going to make-up to finally have those remains of all the heroes you have defeated picked out from between your teeth!  
  
Yes sir... Diablo takes the single one remaining studio wall down while exiting trough the door to the still intact make up room.  
  
It doens't take long before Diablo's most dilicious is back on air again, only this time the decor is an open field and the noon sky due to the lack of outside walls. A huge lump of glowing lead lying on its side in the background is probably the stew...  
  
Sorry that it has taken so long, but seemingly the host wanted to make sure that the blunderbore legs were well baked.  
  
She looks at the stew.  
  
Ehm... We... should wait half an hour for that to cool down. In the meantime we need to get the bite sized flesh beast rollades ready, they will serve as appetizers and decoration of the blunderbore legs.  
  
She takes out a dead flesh beast.  
  
We slice and dice it with a hellplague, this will make sure that flesh becomes cirspy on the outside before stewing it. Then we pull on magefists to stew the cubes one by one for aquired taste.  
  
She pulls on a couple of magefists and takes out the hellplage from the kitchen cabinet, it hangs next to a huge bonesnap.  
  
Now, in stark contrast to the blunderbore legs you CAN do this at home... safely. One thing you should remeber, the Zakarum temple burnt down because they asked Diablo to fry their 50th anniversary blunderbore leggs... As for the second time, we all know that story... heh...  
  
While Keyla Stews the flesh beast cubes Diablo scrambles into (the remains of) the studio from the make-up room and carefully removes Keyla from view.  
  
Allright my dear viewers, it is time to take out the blunderbore legs! I wonder, how they turned out!  
  
Diablo tries to open the hatch of the nuclear radiation proof stew but it is no good anymore. He cuts it open and reveals its contents to the viewers of Sanctuary TV.  
  
Tadah! Look at the marvellous crispy crust! *inhales the flavour* They are peeeeerfect!  
  
Diablo stately tip-toes back to the cooking table with the plate held high above his head with his outstretched right arm... a charred towel is hung over his left arm.  
  
Then it happens, an angel appears out of nowhere and blows up the dish above Diablo's head with a beam of holy light.  
  
  
  
Diablo beats aside a remainder of a wall and approaches Tyreal. Tyreal laughs.  
  
It is my duty to prevent the forces of evil from achieving their goals and it seems, that after the paladin and barbarian stew, I now even made your demon stew fail! Hahahahahahar!!!  
  
Diablo starts to sob.  
  
But.. *sob* this is the first time my cooking ever turned out well! And look, it is heavan's fault that this world turned into a mess! If you only let me complete my delicious meals for mankind the world would be a better and more peaceful place.. But everytime, you try to stop me from realizing my dreams, call me unholy and send mortal heroes after to me to kill me beause... I have big mean horns and so happen to be a demon? Do I look like some sort of evil devil or something?  
  
Diablo totally breaks down.  
  
Why!? *uncontrollable flow of tears* I know why... God is a lousy cook!  
  
Keyla pats Diablo on the shoulder.  
  
We still have the stewed flesh beast rollades...  
  
I don't give a damn I only wanted to create a full meal according to the recipie, just ONCE! But I failed again... *sob*. And it's all YOUR fault! Now I will wreak havoc on manind and make the heavans tremble!  
  
Diablo blows up the studio with a huge expanding ring of flames and begins to chew savagely on Tyreal's leg. When he's done he begins to ravage Tristram..  
  
And that, my dear childern, is how it began. Diablo developed an evil-complex and ate lots of little childern.  
  
The morale of the story, ehm... never eat while playing Diablo! 


End file.
